Ok.. I have stewed for a few days and still in need of venting.

So what is this that has gotten me all riled up these past few days. It is a question of rights. Rights of a citizen, rights of an artist, rights in general.

Now, yes, we are in the 21st century and things are supposed to be much better than what they used to be. However, this is not the case in all countries.

Due to the sensitive nature of some of the things I am about to say and I mean sensitive due to the country in which I am currently residing, some statements will be subtle to say the least.

I am a citizen of a country, in which some, if not many, civil liberties and rights are not observed.  I neither live in a country that is in a state of war, nor that is recovering from a natural disaster, but this is the situation.

Rights, civil rights, are not in essence observed. Things that people take for granted are a real issue and can pose serious problems for the person.

We, citizens of this country, have come to know very well what these things are. Some who are less fortunate than myself may not even recognize this as a non-observance of these civil rights, but accept that it is Prohibited or Forbidden.

Others, some may argue are more fortunate than I am, believe that this is a cause to be fought and something worth getting arrested for.

I do not have any of these misconceptions.  Neither getting arrested nor refusing to see this as a non-observance of civil rights is an option for me.

I recognize things as they are and operate accordingly for my own survival and self-interest.  Yes, many things can be said about progress and change in a country, but I am not debating this at the present time.

I am, however, reflecting on how other worldviews regard this. Having lived in different places sometimes allows me to see things how others would, maybe even give me an inkling of that worldview. I do not presume to understand it fully or completely, simply because I do not belong there. I, oddly enough, belong somewhere in the middle. But to continue, I can imagine how other worldviews would see this or see a person refusing to do a simple act.  It would probably be incredulous to them, or would provide them with a reason to critique or hate that type of society. However, it is still vastly different to judge a society than to actually live in it and come to know it.

I can see both perspectives. I understand how bizarre, odd, and even ludicrous some things might seem. I really get it. For example, not being allowed to take pictures of certain buildings seems ludicrous, especially with the internet and google earth.  But this is a reality for many countries in this particular situation.  Pictures are prohibited in many areas. And if they are not outright prohibited, details of why a person is taking a picture is sometimes required. Arrests are even common.

For someone living in one of these countries, the person learns to determine which situations may present an issue and which can pass by smoothly without incident.  However, the person also gets to think in a way, that may be completely alien to him or her. They start thinking about whether a picture can be traced back to them; whether they want it to be traced back to them; whether in any way shape or form, this picture could pose a problem for them... If the person is being asked to take specific pictures, the person also thinks about what is the purpose of this picture and not only what will it be used for, but what COULD it be used for.  So something as simple as taking a picture becomes a mental calculation of massive proportion.  In the case of freelance photography, the photographer would think quite a bit if the gig is worth it and whether it would land him or her in trouble.

So.. yes. This mental calculation, this paranoid thinking, and this lack of transparency is all part of the process when a citizen thinks of accepting a freelance job.

And yes, it is difficult to actually see or understand the entire situation because well in many countries.. a citizen can just go outside and shoot as many pictures as he or she wants without having to go through any questions or even any repercussions.

Now this minute background coupled with another type of rights is when things get kind of messy. A person, even not enjoying full civil rights, does not necessarily have a problem with relinquishing his copyrights.  As with any photographer or amateur photographer or artist, or writer, or ghost writer, it is all part of the agreement between said person and the company/organization who is subcontracting him or her.  This is pretty straightforward.

What is not so straightforward is the Moral Rights. Now, do not let the name fool you. Moral rights do not really pertain to morals or ethics.  Strictly speaking, they have nothing to do with how a person chooses to lead his or her life, or what kind of ethical system he or she has ascribed to. No, Moral Rights are very different.

They give a photographer or writer the choice of whether or not he or she wants to be associated with the work. And Please Note, I do say Both Options. Someone who has given up their copyright...  still has a choice of whether or not he wants this work of art to be associated with him.  Furthermore, moral rights pertain to any modifications in the work of art itself. This means that moral rights ensure that the work of art is not used in a derogatory manner, which may harm the reputation of the artist or photographer. 

In many countries that do not have restrictions on their civil rights, moral rights mainly protects the reputation of the artist. It ensures that no one can tarnish his or her good name by presenting a less than adequate work or present the work with a lesser quality than the original work. 

This seems basic enough. However, to a citizen living in a different type of society, this is quite serious.  It is not that the artist or photographer does not care about his or her reputation as an artist, but it is taken as a second consideration.

The first and foremost consideration is the fact the person may NOT want to be associated with the work, if it will get him or her in trouble, or else they could suffer legal repercussions.  The person will worry as to how the work is presented. Will this work be used for another purpose, ulterior purpose, that he or she does not know about. Can the work of art be interpreted in any sense as going against the general nation's security? These are all questions that go through the photographer's mind and these are his first considerations.

It is not about ethics. It is not even about his reputation as an artist. It is simply about whether he can or should take that risk, in the case of seemingly suspect assignments.

And again, some will see this as MAD or PARANOID. I understand and I get it. However, it is the way it is.

Lately, I have realized that I am unable to remember many events that should have been memorable. Events like what happened on my graduation. Details are very fuzzy. I remember certain aspects, but not really what happened. I have looked in my diary, but I was never that consistent in writing one so no luck there. I am finding the lack of remembering quite irksome.

On other news, I had a fed up with everyone's attitude breakdown yesterday. I am supposed to be understanding about what people want and how people disappear when they want to and how people just expect that one will tolerate their plans. Yesterday, I was just fed up with it all. I do not plan to apologize to anyone nor exert any efforts in normalizing relations. I think others need to work on that for a bit.

But back to remembering, I am thinking what makes one remember certain events? And I am seriously thinking of starting to jot down like main events.. even if it is just a list of keywords strung together to jog one's memory.

But I definitely want to determine what are the things and events that I remember. I would even like to take a kind of survey as to what people remember.  I mean people remember the really bad stuff, that is for sure and probably amazing or unexpected events. But what happens to everything in between. Hmmm...

I planned going to sleep. Then a cousin called me up as I was falling asleep to decipher a job offer she got. It is around 2.30am.

This past week a lot has happened. It is making me question many things, but unfortunately not in a good way.

Disappointment.

How does one deal with it?  During this week, I have had to deal with disappointment in work, with friends, and with very close people. I try to rationalize comments, reactions, situations, and I know in some instances unintentional mistakes or misunderstandings on my part have caused this. But still. It sometimes seems no matter how hard one works at something, the moment there is an issue, it crumbles way too easily for all the effort one has put in and invested. I hate the word choice 'invested' as it makes it seem so dry and unemotional. The truth of it is that lots of emotions are involved.

I would go into all the details of this crummy week, but I am not sure what the point would be. It would be a written reminder of details, I am not sure I want to remember.

So I am back at disappointment and just trying to brush it off convincing myself that it has not changed or altered anything.  I wonder if it has. I wonder if I am supposed to change, put less credence into hard work, friendship, love. I wonder if I should feel let down for people assuming the worse of me or not standing up for me regardless of how long I have worked at a place, known someone, or loved someone. Then again, maybe they were having a bad day or were in a rough spot.  I just don't know.

I do know that it is much easier to assume the latter, than letting that gnawing feeling grow.

Well, after such a long disappearance, I thought I would write. The problem is I don't really have much to say.

I have managed to screw up my sleep schedule, yet again. I have not been to work the past 2 days as I have literally been unable to get up and have the worst headache I have ever had in my life. This is no exaggeration.  I am not prone to headaches, but this one has lasted 2 days and is like this gooey fluid pressing against my skull, my eyes, my neck. It has been wretched.

I am really bored, extremely restless, and am at an utter loss as to what to read. I started a couple of books the other day, but they are not what I am looking for.  After the Robin Hobb series, I am really finding myself at a loss as to what comes next. 

I dedicate this post to the Justice League and Justice League Unlimited.  Yes, believe it or not, I am tired of talking about myself and all the frustrations.  So I thought to myself, I need to talk about JL since it is occupying so much of my time. To say I am immersed in the JL episodes would be a major understatement.  Suffice it to say, these episodes lately are the highlight of my day.

I never grew up with the Flash.  I grew up in London with comics such as Batman, Superman, Spider-man, Wonder Woman, the Hulk, etc.  But until recently, I had no knowledge of the Flash... that is until my bestest friend introduced me to the Justice League.

I watched the JL movies and the first 2 seasons, and I still had a soft spot for Bats and Wonder Woman, in addition to the little innuendos between them.  However, as I watched more and more JL, I started thinking about the main characters. 

The first main observation was that there is barely anything really comic about these super heroes.  I mean they all have tragic lives and backgrounds.  They truly represent the Greek tragic heroes of our time. 

So we have the whole gang and I mean they really are all very unique.  They are all obviously good.  They all have incredible powers, not just talking about super powers. They are all relentless in their quest for justice and their fight against evil.  The only three that are human are Green Lantern, Batman and the Flash. 

Things with Green Lantern are very white or black.  He does not operate in the gray areas.  He is very upright and militant about his goodness and what needs to be done.  I would say more about Green Lantern, but honestly, I have not fully thought about his character or read about his background.  So this will have to do for now!

Batman is beyond great.  He is super-smart, cares more than anyone could ever fathom, does not really care about appearances or offending a few people.  He is truly a cranky and grouchy hero, yet, he makes the hard choices that no one else could make and all for the good of humanity.   He carries the weight of the world on his shoulders and would not take any risks that involve anyone else's life.  He knows darkness and tragedy all too well to let down his guard regarding the evil that exists in the world. He is defined by this darkness, which is inextricably linked to the way he chooses to live his life and deal with others.

The Flash is very different.  There is a very unique goodness that belongs only to the Flash.  I would not call it naivete, but there is a deep rooted sincerity and innocence that define the Flash.  He knows the dangers and evils in the world and sees it not only with the JL, but also in his day job, yet, his essence is unaffected by it.  It is true, he is a bit of womanizer and goofy at times, but I would not consider these traits an elaborate self-defense mechanism he has set up to shield him from life's woes. He is involved with the world in all its good and bad.  He takes the world as it is and somehow infuses goodness into it.  He assumes that all will turn out ok.  He assumes the best the world has got to offer.

Neither of these super heroes is wrong.  I guess it depends on which view one wants to adopt in life.  It does seem to me, though, that the Flash is much happier.  He makes things a wee bit brighter, no pun intended.

Everything that is about to be written might be self-pitying or interpreted in any other sense. Frankly, I don't really care.

I find myself today thinking about something someone said to me years ago.  He said that I would go through a lot of pain in my life. I don't know if he was just saying that or whether he was being prophetic, but I remember I felt it very ominous and inauspicious.  I still wonder what he meant by that and why he said that.

With the exception of my dad, I am no one's priority. This includes myself as well.  I do things for others;  I wait for others to take the right/correct action;  I am asked to bear things for just a little bit longer, or wait for a little bit longer, or tolerate things a bit more.  The truth of the matter is all I do is wait. I wait without knowing if they know I am waiting and tolerating certain things.  Some times, like today, I feel that they have no idea that all I do is wait.  I may be waiting for something that will never happen.

And I really don't know how much longer I can wait like this.

I am livid and frustrated.  This thing happened at work today. Basically, someone whom I have helped out quite a bit back-stabbed me to my boss and told me about it.  I mean I don't know how to react to that.  Ok, I get it after I heard the story that it was a mistake, but still, it was just not right.  Now my boss will be out of town, the girl will be out of town, and I am left to stew here. Of course, if I could have talked with my friend, he would have told me "That is what you get from helping people!"

Anyway I look at it, I feel that there is no way out.  No matter what happens, it may look like i am in cahoots with the person who back-stabbed me or I am defending myself, but my boss has not talked to me about it.  So In my world, defending oneself regarding an issue that no one has talked to me about just seems like I am justifying myself. 

I guess I just have to be patient and wait for the issue to unfold by itself, as is the case with almost everything... sooner or later, it will be addressed.  In the meantime, I will be stewing.

It is amazing how some people just are in harmony.  The other day, others were talking to me about my English Professor at University.  The man is American and became a Sufi.  He moved to Cairo.  Then he went into learning homeopathy and now he is considered one of the top homeopaths who treat major illnesses.  He supposedly also intertwines his treatment with Qur'anic verses.   I think he is one of the most in balance harmonious people I have met, besides my Sifu.   He is on such a different level that I sometimes feel he comes straight out of a Hesse book. 

Wouldn't it be something to attain such harmony and balance?!

I went to the site where the fire took place today in the morning.  The fire engines were still there and one could still see the smoke.  Loads of police are in the area, and they were shooing the bystanders and passerby that took too long gawking at the place.

The structure still stands, but one sees the darkened window frames and huge missing chunks.   As I was being shooed, I asked the police officer about the people and he told me they were all fine.  "Now, move it along."  So I did.

It is incredible how people are fascinated by the morbid.  Though, I never really had much feelings about the place itself, but today I felt sad.  It was sad that this once government building that was housed in a 19th century palace was wrecked, in addition to the museum.  I mean it seems that we lose things more and more every day.

Well, it has been a weird day.  My day at work sucked. No, that is not so weird.  Then met up with a friend and stayed an hr. As we were sitting, we heard on the news (big TV screen) that there was a huge fire by where I worked.  So yep, lucky that I left on time today, as they say it started around 6pm.  Then as I was getting into my car, I found a few people by the car.  It turned out that there was a girl who had basically fainted and the guy with her was trying to get her to regain consciousness.  Prior to meeting my friend, I had went to the supermarket and bought a few things, amongst which was a carton of water.  It was odd, but I just hadn't taken it out of the car before meeting up with my friend. So as the guy was looking for water, I popped open the trunk and gave him some for the girl and after a while, she started to regain consciousness.  I stayed a bit, then checked if they needed anything and left.

I have been whining a lot about life, but all in all I think that I need to sometimes focus a bit more on the good things in life.  I mean I have so much for which I am thankful, but when I am contemplating life, I seem not to think about it.  It is not that I don't acknowledge it, but it's like being warped in the bad.

I am looking right now at the fire on TV and it has not died down.  I am glad that there weren't many casualties.  They say around 13 people sustained injuries from the smoke. Considering the place and area, it is quite miraculous.  Unfortunately, there was a museum part in that building, which has become lost forever. It was all burned down.

Lat night, I, wrote a list of things I need to do before September. I like writing lists, even though I am not great at following them but still it gives me great satisfaction to make lists. OCD trait, I know.  Anyway, I made up this list and I really hope I actually do it this time.  I really am believing that it is all about one's mindset. I am not saying anything as whacky as if one is flat broke, it is just in one's mind. Believe me, I am not  But I think one cannot just shut down and fixate on it. 

Amongst other things, money is a real issue these days. And I am feeling the strain of it.  I mean in the old days, I didn't somehow worry about money the way I do now.  I read about this internship today and for a split second, I thought to myself why not?  Me, in the old days would have tried to take a vacation off from work or just quit and would have gone through with it.  However, this is a luxury I cannot afford. It saddened me that I was unable to even fully entertain the thought of going off on an internship. I feel stiffled and constrained, but I keep reminding myself that there are obligations to which I have committed that need to be taken care of.  I committed to them, and thus, I can no longer just drop everything and do whatever I choose.

AS always, I have to remind myself that a lot of things are about one's mindset.  Just got to keep trying, hoping and doing the best I can. Things have got to change at some point, don't they?

It amazes and irritates the hell out of me when I think how some people just have everything so easy! I mean things in life sometimes seem to just fit for certain people and follow the natural progression.  Part of me used to believe that things like this never happened or only happened to people with less aspiration, or basically people who were 'not different.'  But it is not the case. 

I will grant you that I am  different and that my difference stems from some of the choices I have made in my life, but I just wonder why everything has to be a struggle.   I am not just talking about the Big Major things in life, but even the little ones. 

Whoever increased the difficulty level seriously needs to reduce it.  Yes, fine, crap builds character, but really now, I think that is enough character building.

I just want things to be a bit easier, a bit smoother.  I don't want to fight for every single thing.